QMy mother, a retired executive of a large company, is 72, and very active — walks every day, does yoga and gardens. My father divorced her in her 40s to marry a younger woman.
A couple of years later, mom started a long relationship with another man. He sold his own house and lived with her until he died last year.
Because they were both financially comfortable, he sought nothing from her and wasn’t in her will.
Now there’s a new man with her, and my husband and I are very concerned about him. They met through online dating, though I’d strongly warned my mother beforehand.
I told her of the many stories of men who seek relationships with older, financially secure women, so they can benefit from them when together and inherit from them later.
My mother still refuses to listen to me. She says she outsmarted would-be scammers throughout her business years, and is no fool now. She said she enjoys her home life again with this man, and he’s also a great travel companion.
My husband and I see a disaster looming, for her and for us. I told my mother that she’d be safer and have male and female friends all around her if she’d move into an upscale retirement home. She brushed me off.
Since I’m an only child, I always believed my mother would be very generous to me in her will. She’s lived a very good life all these years, and we felt very secure.
But times are difficult now, with the stock market declining and inflation on the horizon.
To have mom’s wealth and her other assets be diminished by this man would change our life considerably. And we’d have difficulty affording the appropriate seniors’ residence for her when she absolutely needs it.
What should I do?
ABack off. Your approach has your mother ignoring your attempt to end a relationship she enjoys.
A far more respectful and common chat with aging parents, is to simply ask whether there’s a will on file with her lawyer, and whether she’s willing to reveal its contents regarding you and your husband.
Instead, you’ve raised your preference (intention?) for moving her out of the house she enjoys and giving her current “partner” the boot, with no knowledge whether he’s mentioned in her will, or seeks common-law status.
Their travel and other expenses are her business if she chooses to pay some of it, unless there’s evidence of him using coercion or her showing signs of dementia.
Look to your own finances: Do both you and your husband work, own your home together, maintain expenses beyond your means? That’s where your concerns should start, followed by an open, honest chat with your mom regarding you and her only.
FEEDBACKRegarding the woman, 43, whose new partner is a younger man, 28. She’s happy with him but wondering which one is the “wrong” age (July 1):
Reader: “Age gaps actually shrink over time.
“A 15-year gap now seems large. But, when she’s 90 and he’s 75, it’ll seem less. Even in 15 years — when 58 and 43, it’s no longer so big an age gap.
“Check statistics: Generally, women outlive men. My father passed 15 years ago and my mother’s still with us.
“Today may bring snide comments. But in 20 years this woman will be admired by her detractors!
“If the couple are right for each other, age doesn’t matter.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Healthy seniors may enjoy added years of happiness with a new partner, barring adult children’s interference.
JOIN THE CONVERSATION
Credit: Source link